This is what I was thinking about early this morning while walking Joey – caveats and addendums in relationships– probably because I have one friend who is now in a fledgling relationship and one who is seeking a partner. And I think what makes relationships so difficult to navigate – and the initial search for love much more so – are all the caveats and addendums we attach to our search for the perfect companion.
We want someone like us. We want to love and be loved. And then we begin listing the prerequisites: Must like the great outdoors. Must like Hallmark movies. Must enjoy the beach. The mountains. The cities. The country. Must like getting out and about. Must like staying in. Must be happy and optimistic. Maybe not too happy and optimistic all the time though. Must not drink or smoke. Must enjoy a glass of wine, craft beer, or a joint now and again. Caveats and addendums.
And so, as forewarned is forearmed, I offer this piece of advice: that imaginary “perfect mate” does not exist. Just ask anyone in a long-term relationship with an imperfect mate they love dearly.
I’ve experienced a couple of long-term relationships, which I quantify as lasting over ten years. And I’ve had several short-term relationships I consider unsuccessful dating experiments. Some were good and fun. Some, well, not so much. But I don’t regret all of them – it was all about the relationship learning curve.
Because I, too, had a list of caveats and addendums. And when those weren’t met? Well, then, time to move along. When I look back on my life, there was one long-term relationship I was in for which that was the wrong answer. Because I felt my wants, desires, and expectations weren’t being met – according to me and after many years of happiness and satisfaction in that relationship – it was really all about me simply changing the rules midstream. Without, of course, notifying my partner that I had changed the rules. I handed it poorly and unfairly and yes, that’s the one I regret because my actions – my choices – were not based in reality but rather in some imagined idea of what I suddenly thought the relationship should be providing me.
All that, however, led me to right here, right now.
I’m older. I’d like to think a bit wiser as well. I’ve jettisoned the caveats and addendums. I believe relationships should be about loving and being loved in return. They are about compatibility without constraints. It is about understanding that we should have some things in common so we can spend quality time together of course, but we can also have our own “things” we enjoy – and we need not be threatened by those things or the time apart needed to enjoy them. We think we want a clone of ourselves but truly, we don’t. We need the yin and yang a good, strong, respectful, loving relationship can bring.
And so, on this day of giving thanks, I accept all that has come before and all I’ve learned. It hasn’t always been easy, and I surely wish I knew way back when what I know now, but alas, it is all I didn’t know then that shaped me into the person I have become – for better or worse.
For me, here? Now? It’s a very good place to be. And I am grateful.
Happy Thanksgiving!
~jwb~
