Significant Others

Events occasionally spin out of control. To each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Meaning, simply, actions have consequences. No one argues that point, but when they take a life of their own, moving in a direction you could not have foreseen, well, that’s when it takes all your energy to remain calm and reasonable and understanding. At least, that’s what I’m learning through my exploration and readings on Buddhism. And I’m here to tell you, it’s not easy, and I fail miserably more often than not.

For example, if you had a relationship with someone, but no longer do, does that give you the right to tell that person how to do certain things in their life, which you feel are directly related to your prior relationship, as they move forward? I don’t think so. Do you have the right to tell others, outside of your prior relationship with this person, how they should interact with this person? Again, I don’t think so.  And yet, that’s what I’ve recently experienced.  (To be fair, I did take an action, inadvertently, causing a reaction I had not foreseen nor anticipated, an action for which I have since apologized, but not for the relationship itself.)

No one is ever right or wrong in their beliefs and how they live their life- we’ve already determined that. So how you feel about someone is how you feel about them. Love, amazingly, often turns to utter disgust and even loathing. Friendships erode and disappear into the mist of the past. Sibling feuds can last a lifetime. Even parent-child relationships often suffer stress and, worst case scenario, estrangement. In each of these instances, regardless of how right someone may have been to end a relationship with a significant other, this does not give them the right to expect others to feel the same way, or follow their lead of erasing that person from their history. It doesn’t work that way. If the friend of my enemy is now my enemy, issues invariably arise.

On the other hand, it can often be difficult not to take sides. Depending on your relationship with one party, you may be inclined to take their side.  We often see this in romantic relationships, by which side of the fence the friends or family fall. But, depending on your relationship with yourself, you may possess the inclination to not follow their lead. Sometimes it’s important to understand why you choose to do the things you do. In the end, you have no one to answer to but yourself. If someone expects, based on a false premise that you are something you are not, and that you therefore should behave a certain way and don’t, and you let them down because of that, I think that’s an issue with their thought process which needs to be dealt with, not yours.

I recently fell from a pedestal I didn’t even know I was on. But I’m glad it happened, for several reasons.  First, no one should ever be put on a pedestal of any sort.  They are dangerously unstable in all cases.  Second, I, personally, am not willing to compromise my virtue, by allowing others dictate how I life my life. And third, because it’s always good to understand where you stand with people. How others view you may come as a surprise (ignorance is bliss!), and while not good nor bad (reality dictates it simply is what it is, you just didn’t know it before), it can often be enlightening. I don’t begrudge anyone their feelings about anyone, because those are their feelings. But to attempt to project their feelings about someone onto others? Well, that’s just not fair, nor realistic. When it happens however, we must recognize where and from whom the request originates (normally from someone who is experiencing an emotional and passionate reaction to something occurring in their life), and whether or not to react in the way that person would like you to. We all have choices. I believe it’s important to attempt to do what’s right, not necessarily what’s easy, and be true to your convictions. Your convictions may not always be considered ”right” by other’s standards, but after all, they are your convictions, and you are the only significant other you have answer to when all is said and done.

~ jwb ~